Seaweed Dreaming

No more chipped nail polish! What a glorious color! I'll give anyone a huge hug if they can figure out what it's called. Nail polish names become such a strange tradition for females. I love when I'm in the make up store and I see people looking at nail polish and ultimately they always turn it over to read what the color is. I'm amazed by this because really when you think about it, it doesn't actually matter what the color is called because your eyes see the color. In my opinion I think it's because our brains are hardwired to want an emotional connection to things. We want to feel good about our options. For example: I would pick a color called "Seaweed Dreams", as opposed to "Baby puke". Our emotions seem to be attached to everything.

What a glorious night! I spent the evening with dear dear friends and had a blast. It's amazing to me when God refreshes your soul as he does so often by the little things in life. I didn't get much sleep today, thanks to my school calling me at 3:00pm. You see I normally need to sleep until about six or seven. But if anything (ie going to the bathroom) wakes me up right within that window of time before it, then I can't go back to sleep. I think that picky sleepers are just not supposed to have strange sleep schedules.

Going to keep it short tonight, as I continue working on a short story for a project i'm scheming.

Chipped Nail Polish

So I'm thinking that it's clear last week was not the best for me. I was beginning to think there had to be some strange explanation for why I was so upset, grumpy, emotional, sleepy, dramatic...and I couldn't come up with one. I even questioned...well maybe I'm pregnant. I think I honestly just wanted to blame it on something other than the fact that I'm stressed. I used to turn to dance to burn off stress. But for nowadays piourettes and demi's won't do it. I am happy to report however that I did begin working out, and I'm going to work out after my shift in the morning. But most importantly I got some sleep, finished my homework, CARES reports are done, communicated with the outside world, and generally got some snuggle time with Matt. It all seems so precious to me now.

You never actually realize how long it's been since you watched television until you watch it and your like...whoa...I've never seen a preview for that movie...or man that new entree at such and such looks great. BTW: I hate food commercials because you always inevitably want what they are showing. Really this is all an illusion because the things they do to that "food" is appalling to make it look good for television (like lubing the meat...ew). So that week is over and I'm heading into this week with a new attitude. I'm still a little grumpy and complainy but at least I'm able to drive without fear of falling asleep to the sound of Lady Gaga (which is a hard thing to do might I add).

Fatigue

So I'm feeling much better today. Still extraordinarily tired and unable to keep myself focused on pretty much anything. Which is unfortunate because I have a book report due on Monday that will be a painful process if I do not buckle down now.

We had a great night at our CARES meeting. I feel very spiritually refreshed, but for some reason I feel pulled by something else. Not sure yet what that is. But I'm thinking a change will be happening soon. Not sure that I'm ready for change, but then again are you really ever ready for change?

My joints have been killing me everyday this week, i've been waking up in pain. I thought that sleep would help revive me and make me feel better, but suddenly I'm waking up feeling worse off. I just heard a commercial today for "shift work disorder"...is that real? Not sure yet, but I guess I'll do a little research. It's supposed to be in reference to those that work odd hours. I'm pretty sure that my body was designed to do this, but the rest of the world was not. This is a problem for my current lack of communication with...well everyone.

-Lindz

Fortunate

It's been so long since I posted, it's almost unecessary to apologize.

So here i've been saving the world. Or at least the little world I live in. Just watching the news can make you feel like an insignificant ant building a community by yourself. Sometimes thats exactly how I feel, an ant fighting to build...fighting to serve. I've been especially frustrated lately with my lack of contact with the world. Mostly with those around me obviously.

I miss all of my family and friends, and i know there is a simple answer to giving into that call. I just need to leave my job. No one ever said that following God's plan was going to be easy. I don't think that God wants me to not be with my fam and friends, however I think this is just a season of my life. This season will be over soon and a new season will begin. But until then. I feel like a constant apologetic rerun. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Family issues have also been on my mind lately. Specifically divorce. I am not sure thay my brain is able to comprehend divorce. To me it's simple. I'm around victim's all day and night...this I understand. But divorce...I'm unable to understand this. It doesn't matter how many therapy classes I take, or books I read, it's so simple to me.

I've been reading a bunch lately. Sometimes I feel like words are going to carry me away into the future and I will have time to breathe again. I've been thinking about the 25 year old Canadian girl who passed away from CF and who was unable to breathe by physical restraints due to her condition. I feel unable to breathe due to choice. And that is not right.

Matt has left his job officially, so hopefully something new will be brought into his life. And this might lead to me being able to focus. Whatever focus means.

That is all for now.

-Lindz

Can you believe how long it's been since I've updated? Ridiculous I know. So here is the gist of what has been going on. I did in fact get a new job. Matt and I have been really struggling financially so it was time for me to get a second job. We still both work at the apartment complex doing the mission work thing. Sometimes our apartment feels so insanely small, but for some reason I sleep better here at night because I can hear all the noises. I've been thinking alot tonight about when I used to live at McConnell. It seems like just yesterday! I can't believe how long ago it actually was. I used to love me own space there. I look back and realize how complainy I was, man I wish I could take all that back, because I really did enjoy that job.

The new year just kind of flew in and flew out didn't it? It was probably because I worked a 16 hour shift that I didn't even realize what had happened. My whole life I've made lists every new years of the 100 most important things that happened that year. I have not made that list for the past six years, but if I had to pick my top five these would be them:

1. Enjoying my first full year of being married and waking up to the man I love everyday
2. Began serving at church, got two new jobs, and began graduate school
3. Grew stronger in my faith
4. Had two surgery's (glass in foot, and lypoma removed)
5. Learned a lot about where you call home and how material possessions can take a hold of your heart when you didn't realize that (this of course coming from the time that matt and I had the apartment fire).

Well that's all for now. I've got some homework to attend to. I'm taking a short winterterm class and it is stressful. God Bless.

-Lindz